i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
