Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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