she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
