I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
