bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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