A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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