the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
