i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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