Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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