mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
