I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
