when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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