Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
