I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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