I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He felt like a one man threesome
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
