all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
