i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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