You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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