Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Randomize
