I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
