Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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