my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she told me i tasted like america
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
