Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
