i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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