No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize