Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
