so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
