I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
