just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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