u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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