y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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