I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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