She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
