I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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