im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i have two assholes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You're like the curious george of whores
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
