If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
