Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
