I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
