I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
