Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
