she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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