i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
