I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
