So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
