im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
