sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
