these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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