I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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