There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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