She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
