did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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