Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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