My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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