Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
